It all started five years ago when I looked in the mirror and was horrified with what I saw.
I was overweight and exhausted... I had dark, sagging circles under my eyes, and I looked exactly how I felt... depressed.
I was in my early thirties with three young children, with my youngest daughter just coming up a year old.
Of course, I knew how exhausting parenting could be…
But this time, it felt different.
Even though my daughter was now sleeping through the night, I seemed to wake up exhausted every morning and had to drag myself through the day, only to be tortured with insomnia at night.
At work, I felt like I just couldn’t keep it together or think straight… and I was even starting to worry that I was going to lose my job.
My relationship was becoming strained, as my poor husband struggled to deal with my moods, exhaustion and lack of desire.
But even worse was the guilt I was feeling as a mother.
I had 3 small children who needed me… who wanted me to play and to give them cuddles in the middle of the night. But most of the time I just couldn't do it.
I was too tired, and seemed to spend the whole time they were awake waiting for the time they would go to bed.
This wasn't the life I had imagined for my children.
I had always thought I would be one of those active, fun-loving mothers... not one who was always too tired to do anything.
I constantly measured myself against my friends, the other mothers at daycare, and even my mother… who all seemed happier, healthier, and more together.
I struggled to drop my children off on time, I forgot to brush my hair, I didn't care what clothes I put on... I was just amazed I got out of the door each day.
I felt like a failure... actually I felt worse than a failure.
Realizing I needed help, I went to my doctor, full of hope and expectation that she would have the answers.
She said all the right things, ordered hormone blood tests, and ruled out Postnatal Depression.
But then three days later, when my doctor called with the results, I was shocked and devastated to hear her say this: